My Playground
Well, I haven't posted here in a long time. Things have been pretty calm lately. Me and my girlfriend have broken up since the last post and she's found someone else to be with. I've been a little depressed since it seems that all of the girls I like are unavailable. That, however, isn't what this post is about. This post is about my selfishness. I've told two people today that I felt selfish, but I didn't tell them why. They told me that I'm not selfish, but I know I am.
I've been reading other people's posts about the people they trust most and about all the people that are special to them. I have been in a few of those posts, but I can't help but want more. I know I'm not perfect, but I want so badly to be perfect. Everytime I read one of those posts I feel so worthless. I can't control it. No matter how much they say good things about me, I'm always jealous of the other people that they mention. I always feel like I'm not what I could be. Honestly, this is gonna be a short post because I really have no idea how to express what I feel right now. Either way, I don't like it and I want it to stop.
2MC_Boy
Alright, if I'm writting in this again than it must mean there's something wrong. I'm not going to say what it is since people do know about it and nobody is supposed to know, but a friend told me some very disturbing news that have made me very paranoid about a few things. I hate this paranoia. Everytime I feel like this, something bad happens and the last time it happened it almost made me suicidal. I don't know if I can take that again. I don't want my suspicions to come true because if they do I'm going to close myself off completely if not worse. I don't care what people say, I swear I will not talk to anyone I don't have to and I will become a prick to everybody. If my suspicions are true I will lose all trust in people. I can't say much more without revealing what my suspicions are and I've already said too much. Nice 'Welcome Back,' huh?
2MC_Boy
I've though long and hard about whether or not to let people know about what I'm really thinking (the things I write in here). I've finally just decided to indirectly reveal the existance of this journal and considering certain things written in certain places, certain people have caught on to it's existance. I'm still debating on whether or not revealing this journal was a good idea, but I feel a whole lot better about myself knowing that I'm not keeping very much sercet anymore. I don't think I have any other secrets, except what I write in my journal on my computer. I'm definatley not going to reveal the contents of that because of the things I've written in the past. My feelings have long changed since some of the earlier posts in my private journal, but I'm afraid some people may not understand that, which is why I've kept this journal secret and anonymous for so long.
As far as I can tell, only one person knows about this journal, and for now I'd like to keep it that way. Since I knew that either this journal would be discovered or I would reveal it I never wrote some of my feelings down. Considering my insecurity I think that was a good idea.
Reflecting on the contents of the last post, it may seem that sex is a nightmare for me, but I want to clear up that it's not something I'm afraid of or something I don't want, it's just something I'm afraid of screwing up at (no pun intended). I definately want it, and with no one but my girlfriend. Another reason why I've stayed a virgin for so long is because, starting from age 10, I was raised as a Christian and was always told about the no sex before marriage thing and how bad of a sin it was. Now I don't see why that's stopping me because I commit similar sins everyday or so (if you know what I mean). I seriously don't want to wait that long though.
As for the future of this 'blog. I don't know if I'll be updating it for very often, because I previously had that security of not being found out. Now that it's gone I may be less inclined to update here. I'm not planning on shying away from showing my emotions here, but it's not really under my conscious control.
2MC_Boy
After all the crap that's been happening, and all the things I've been hearing from people in person and on Xanga, I'm starting to wonder why people consider isolation so unhealthy. When you isolate yourself you don't have the stress of dealing with and figuring out people. However when you stay in society and make friends you also need to put up with their crap and learn to deal with criticism and the fact that everyone makes mistakes.
The reason for my initial isolation was the fact that my isolation was not complete. I still had friends, but I'd only talk to them occasionally. I'd go to different people all the time and not spend my time with the same people all the time, thus exposing myself to them for only short periods of time. The problem with coming out of that isolation now is that I now have a girlfriend whose opinions matter more to me that anything in the world. My moods copy hers and my thoughts follow along with her words long after our conversations are through. The problem in that is that she does at times say, or, in the case of Xanga, write things that prey on my insecurity without her knowledge.
One of those things that I read on her Xanga today was that the "Expertise" box in her profile says that she really likes sex. Now we have come to this subject many times and I've expressed extreme comfort with the subject, mostly in that I am usually the one to bring up the subject. When certain situations arise that are of a "sexual nature" (I'd rather not go into more detail), I always proceed without showing that I am uncomfortable, but inside my mind is racing and doubt invades my mind before I even start. "What am I supposed to be doing?" "Am I doing this right?" So many questions come to mind and won't leave until something interupts my actions.
During all of this I am also, above all, telling myself not to show my doubt and insecurity. I have never shown discomfort in the subject of sex in conversation and I am afraid to show it any other time, even if it's all I can think about. I often find myself losing the mood because of all of my self-doubt. One thing that doesn't help is the fact that I can't learn by being told something. I have to actually do it to learn and that makes my insecurity worse. I've always been a quick learner as long as I'm doing something hands-on, but when I don't trust my actions, I pay attention to the wrong things and so forget all the things I should be remembering.
There is another thing that's bugging me. Something she wrote on her entry for today, but I will not be going into that at the moment. Until another day.
2MC_Boy
In response to the last post, the curiosity towards the contents of my girlfriend's Xanga site is driving me insane, but I have the eerie feeling that keep those contents a secret from myself is most likely the best idea. I keep going back to the Xanga homepage in a subconscious effort to learn her feelings without the courage to ask them personaly. I feel so alone right now. Again I return to the feeling that no one cares and that life is just a cruel joke being played on my mind.
I am planning on updating this site more in an effort to show you all what's going on in my life and to make this a more interesting blog to read. I may also change the layout of the site a bit, or just move on to a better blogging system somewhere else.
2MC_Boy
It seems that I am now getting more reason to continue to write in here. Yesterday morning, when I first talked to my girlfriend, she told me that this guy had kissed her and that she had not backed off, but when he tried again, she did back off. She says that I looked mad when she first told me. I guess it was just the initial shock of such news. She started to cry because she felt like she had cheated on me. I told her it was okay, and I still believe that it was not her intention to cheat on me. Now I'm wondering what to do though. The possibilty of her cheating on me is now more real to me. I still trust her completely and feel that she still loves me, but it's just the thought of it that makes me wanna kill myself.
I'm trying real hard right now to figure out whether I should just let it pass, or kick this guys ass. It is driving me insane. There's so many people that I wanna kill right now and I just don't feel it's right to even lift a finger to them. Also, I'm really trying to control my jealousy, but whenever I do that I end up feeling like I'm acting like an insensitive bastard.
My girlfriend has now started a new Xanga site and I know where it is, but I don't know whether she wants me to read it or not, so I'm not going to read. I read part of it earlier this morning, and from what I read, most of the things she's writting will probably just make me feel like crap again. It's not that she's writting stuff against me or anything, but the way she's talking makes me feel like I'm doing everything wrong again. I have been feeling like that for the past week, but those feelings just keep getting worse. I don't want anything to come in the middle of our relationship, but I don't know how this whole situation will affect the way I act around her. I just hope that Snowball (which is on Saturday) will help put my mind at ease.
2MC_Boy
First of all, after rereading the title of my last entry, doesn't it sound like I'm gonna tell a big secret or something? Anyways, I doubt I'll be using this blog much, I'm pretty much just sticking to Xanga (still not writing much there) and my own private journal on my computer. I feel really good right now, except for the fact that I made the stupidest mistake ever yesterday. This is what I was talking about in all those entries from before. I hate doing stuff wrong, especially something like what I did. I'd rather not say what it was. Anyways, things a going alright, still alot of insecurity, but happiness is making up for all of that shit. So Sayonara, maybe for ever, maybe not!
2MC_Boy
Man, I haven't written in here for a while. Happy New Years first of all. I'm really happy right now. Everything is going great and just keeps getting better. There's just one problem now. I still have no self-confidence and I recently I have been more... paranoid about myself. I keep imagining these situations that I really don't want to happen but I don't think I can stop. They'll happen eventually. Otherwise things are great... better than great.
Me and BMB went to the movies on Monday and we saw "Cheaper By The Dozen." It was a cool movie. Never having that many kids. No way! So after that we spent the next couple of hours together and that was fun.
You know what I just realized? It's really funny. I'm still not writting everything on here even though it's anonymous. Guess there are just things I can't talk to random people about.
I think it's about time I go, so sayonara, and again... HAPPY NEW YEARS!!!
2MC_Boy
I feel so strange right now. I'm happy and depressed at the same time... It feels really bizzar. Today is the last day of my Thanksgiving holidays and I can't wait till tomorrow to see BMB. BTW, you might be wondering why I keep using nicknames instead of real names, that's just because I want to remain anonymous for this blog so that people that I know can't find it.
You know what I find really strange? My friends just seem to love talking about each other behind each other's backs. Why is that? It really scares me, because it makes me wonder what they're saying about me. I know, I'm too damn paranoid. I really am. I was taking a walk a few minutes ago, and all of a sudden I felt like I was being followed. It only lasted a couple of seconds, but it was still weird. Last Saturday I went to the movies and saw "Gothika." During half the movie I felt like there was someone sitting next to me (which at first was freaky because I walked in late and my eyes weren't adjusted. I could barely find my seat at first). I am extremely paranoid, even with things I know I don't have to be.
Well, sayonara to everyone bored enough to actually read this crap.
2MC_Boy
Wow! It feels so weird to not be able to get someone out of your head. Everything I do, I'm thinking of BMB. I've never felt like this. It also feels weird to be happy and sad at the same time. I'm happy that we're together and that she's happy, but I'm sad because I'm not with her at this very moment and I can't see her face or hear her voice or feel her warmth.
This is the first time in my life that I've found myself listening to this much happy music... This many love songs. With my last (read: "first") girlfriend (Niho for the purposes of this blog) I had two happy songs on my computer, but I barely ever listened to them. Now I have more and I'm listening to them almost religiously, playing the same song over and over again.
I love this Blog. I can express how I truly feel, which I can't seem to do where people I know can read it. I have extreme problems with my image in BMB's eyes. I don't want to come off as obsessive, so I hide my feelings and end up seeming like I don't care (at least that's how it feels to me). It also doesn't help that I'm such an insecure person. I'm always afraid of doing something that will make her unhappy and then end up not doing anything at all. There are so many situations where it's apparent to me how little experience I have in relationships. I'm not used to trying to live up to someone's expectations and trying to make someone happy. I was always and isolationist before and never really cared about other people or what they thought of me. Even with Niho I didn't care this much about screwing up and never beat myself up this much when I did screw something up.
After writting all of that, I really wonder if this is love. Love isn't a feeling that I'm familiar with. I thought I was "in love" with Niho, but I didn't feel like this. This feels... I don't know how to describe it. I get butterflies in my stomach everytime that I go to see BMB. On the ride to school in the morning, before class ends...
R.O.T.C. had a pizza party today and I couldn't really eat all that much because of the butterflies in my stomach. Just thinking of her made me so nervous.
When I get nervous I start to crack my nuckles and, I swear, in the past week I've brought myself a few years closer to arthritis.
Uhm... I don't wanna write anymore... Just wanna sit here and think about BMB.
2MC_Boy
I'm gonna change my previous blog from being a site for my poems to being a place for website reviews. I got started with this blogging website due to the BlogThis! button on my Google bar so I thought I might as well make some use of it. I'm gonna use it to review some website I find. I'm not sure when I'm gonna start it though. I'm too lazy right now, but soon.
2MC_Boy
Yesterday and today have been really great. Me and my girlfriend (for the purposes of this journal I'll just call her BMB) have gotten back together. That happened yesterday.
Well, about today. The school day went pretty much back to the way it was when we went out before. After school however, we went over to my friends house (the same from the last entry on Monday. For this journal I'll call him E_R). His house was really close to the school so we weren't really afraid of missing our rides, which get there at around 4:20 P.M. everyday (BMB takes the bus and I get a ride from my mom). When we got there we went into his room. He started playing music, but I wasn't really paying much attention to that. You see, me and BMB kind of laid on his bed and made out. He kept complaining because he doesn't want straight people making out in his bed. ^_^
After a couple of minutes we had to leave to go back and wait for our rides. Unfortunately we forgot to get the movie that we went there for (I forgot what movie it was... Did I ever actually find out what movie it was?). After a few minutes of waiting at the bus stop, the bus arrived and BMB and E_R left. My mom came about five minutes later.
So my days has been really great. The only thing I don't like is that now I'm constantly worried that I'm not saying enough (because BMB told me that I don't talk to her enough). I'm not a very talkative person usually and have trouble thinking of things to say most of the time. But if she meant what she wrote in the e-mail then hopefully she'll be able to put up with it.
I mean, I'm not trying to stay quiet. I just can't think of anything to say when it matters and being made aware of that hasn't helped much either, if you know what I mean.
2MC_Boy
The past few days have really been crap for me. For almost two weeks I've been in more depression than I've ever before. Everything I do to try to fix it doesn't seem to work and I don't know why. I'm not going to be posting in my Xanga blog for a while to see what people say and because I have nothing to say to anyone I know that I haven't already said. If I continue writting in it I'll just keep ranting and raving about my problems, which I'll probably be doing here too.
Well, I'm going to try to cheer up for a little bit right now and just talk about my day a little. This morning I almost forgot that I was supposed to bring in the shoes for my R.O.T.C. uniform. We are going to be polishing them for the next few days. This morning turned out to be another ackward period between me and my ex-girlfriend. First period was boring as usual, but unlike earlier this morning while I was taking a shower, I couldn't seem to form a poem that expressed my feelings. I don't wanna just BS them as much anymore because I find that I say alot of stuff that just isn't true.
Third period my class went to the library for a few minutes at the end of the period and my friend was telling me all about this guy he liked. He's kind of sad though because his friend said that they shouldn't go out because he was afraid of hurting him, so we'll have to wait and see what's going to happen with them (if you haven't already guessed, my friend is gay).
Fourth period I have R.O.T.C. so I had to go clean my uniform shoes. I was advised not to go in the bathroom though. I was told it was literally covered in crap. For the rest of the period we marched like we often do.
Lunch was another ackward time. I don't think I said more than ten words, if that. This kid that hangs out around us started pissing us off again. I wouldn't be annoyed all that much if he was only annoying me, but since he's bothering my friends and my ex-girlfriend (yes, I admit, I do still like her) he really pisses me off. One of my friends tied him up in his sweater a few times, once even accidentally tightening it a bit too much around his throat and choaking him. He then called my ex-girlfriend by a name she doesn't like and she ran after him. I kind of stayed behind alone and just sat there. The kid ran into the school library where she couldn't reach him, but he'll probably end up paying for it tomorrow (sometimes I wish I wasn't such a pacifist).
Well, I can't say much about fifth period because I didn't go. I showed up and asked my teacher for a pass to the nurse and then walked around for the rest of the period. About half way through I found a friend of mine that had been excused from her fifth period class because she had gone somewhere durning fourth period (same class as me by the way). So we ended up talking for almost the remainder of the period. Mostly talking about relationships and trust, can't have one without the other (she brought the whole thing up, sort of).
Sixth period was boring as usual. Spanish class isn't all that exciting. Seventh period went the same as usual except that we've started extended practices which means we have to stay an hour longer. We just marched the whole time, except for a five to ten minute break in the middle.
After school I was really quiet like the rest of the day and I annoyed my mom because I didn't say anything when she asked what was wrong. She's the last person I want to talk to about it. She's half the reason the whole thing broke apart. All she ever does is try to make me paranoid about everything. Every guy that my ex-girlfriend hung around, my mom would tell me to be careful, she might leave me for him. She even said that about the gay friend from above. She seriously drives me insane. She makes me paranoid about literally everything. I can't tell her anything without a huge arguement coming out of it.
Well, now I'm sitting here doing nothing. Interesting day, huh?! Well, sayonara.
2MC_Boy
I have started another Blog that I'm going to be using for storage of all my different poems and rhymes. If you want to read them go to http://2mcbr.blogspot.com. I hope you enjoy them. Please leave comments, I want to know what people think (as long as they are not misunderstood).
2MC_Boy
Okay, I've heard all those old bastards talking about how bad your teenage years are supposed to be, but this is just fucking rediculous. I never thought I would ever hear this much talk of suicide, or even get this close to thinking about it myself. If life is just a test then the teacher is pretty fucked up. The reason I put that in green is because I felt that was a pretty cool thing to say considering I thought of it. That's gonna be my motto from now on.
Life is too damn confusing for people who are supposed to be so damn immature. How are the "immature, inexperienced little teenagers" supposed to deal with all these fucking problems? Please, somebody tell me?
Big jump of emotions from the last entry I know, but I've been thinking about this stuff. The whole situation with my ex-girlfriend. It's really got me all mixed up now. Especially how she can love me when I hate myself. I wanna change everything about myself, but she still loves me... How is that possible. I just don't understand.
My life is just a big triangle of confusion. I'm stuck between my beliefs, what others tell me and what even other people say about the opinions of the first group. I really think I take the wrong fucking clues from people.
2MC_Boy
Uhm... Xanga isn't working right now and I'm too excited to sit still right now. I just read an email that my
Shit!! If only you could feel how fast my heart is beating right now!!!!
My friend asked me yesterday if I still liked my [ex-girlfriend], and I wasn't sure, but I really think I still do. I just don't think that I like her as much as she said she likes me. I was thinking that I wouldn't go out with her again if I had the chance, but now I'm not so sure. All the things I was pissed of at before have been pretty much explained. I knew I shouldn't have listened to what her..... "admirerer" said. See, this guy really likes her and always asks her out, well he noticed that I was feeling down and asked what was wrong, I made the mistake of telling him and asking him if my girlfriend (then) still liked me. He said that she didn't really anymore and that she said something. What he told me she talked about was something I didn't think he would ever know about because it was on my Xanga and I don't think he knows about it.
Uhm.... I'm just so fucking excited right now I can't believe it. I was tired a few minutes ago but now I'm fully awake and can't sit still. I'm typing this too fucking fast and keep making a bunch of mistakes........ Uhm...... I ..... ARGH!!!!!....... I can't think.....
I don't think I've felt this way before. I was just about to start bitching (it's Friday night and usually I wouldn't see her tomorrow), but then I remembered that we have R.O.T.C. drill tomorrow morning from 9:00 A.M. - 12:00 A.M., so maybe I'll be able to talk to her then. I just don't know what I'm gonna say. I hope I don't freak out and go all quiet. I'm gonna stop writting now before I write a whole fucking page of bullshit nobody but me cares about. So sayonara!
2MC_Boy
Well, I'm going to start updating my Xanga site again. I've been getting threats from my friends of getting kicked in the balls and chased after by gay people (seriousle, that's what they said). I don't want either of those to happen so I'm just gonna bs a lot in the Xanga blogs.
Also, I was thinking of working on my template a bit, which I'm probably going to do later tonight. I currently still have the Bluebird theme enabled, and I'm basically just gonna changed it up a bit to the design I thought of fifth period. Math was just too boring to pay attention.
2MC_Boy
Okay, I just spent the past half hour editing my template. I just figured out how to do the onMouseOver event on the signature and I could probably do alot of stuff to it if I wanted to. Well, now if you move your cursor over my signature it will get a border like the links, but it's not a link.
It's fun for me to be posed with a coding challenge like the one I just figured out. It keeps me busy with stuff that keeps me happy. The feeling of accomplishment is great too. For those of you out there that know nothing about, and don't care about web design, this might seem a little strange to you. It might even seem strange to some people who know and love wed design. Well, web designing is a very relaxing past time for me. It lets me forget about all of the crap that's going through my head and gives me a temporary stat of peace of mind.
Anyways, I don't have time tonight, but tomorrow I'll probably end up spending all night on just editing this template to fit my taste. I'm also hoping to use some of the new stuff I learned tonight again on the rest of the site.
BTW, Yahoo! Search rocks! It's how I found the solution to my predicament. All I had to do was search for "onmouseover font" and it brought me exactly what I needed, even though it had nothing to do with font, but with style (CSS). (I used another thing I learned on the "BTW" at the start of the paragraph, try putting your cursor over that. It'll probably remind you of images, which have something similar.)
It's been fun, but it's time to go to bed before my mom starts yelling at me again. Good night.
2MC_Boy
Well, my old blog at Xanga was getting traffic from people I know who can't seem to interpret my feelings correctly so I'm gonna use this new one to express my feelings from now on.
2MC_Boy
P.S. Don't ask what my name means because it's an acronym for an inside joke.