My Playground
Wow! It feels so weird to not be able to get someone out of your head. Everything I do, I'm thinking of BMB. I've never felt like this. It also feels weird to be happy and sad at the same time. I'm happy that we're together and that she's happy, but I'm sad because I'm not with her at this very moment and I can't see her face or hear her voice or feel her warmth.
This is the first time in my life that I've found myself listening to this much happy music... This many love songs. With my last (read: "first") girlfriend (Niho for the purposes of this blog) I had two happy songs on my computer, but I barely ever listened to them. Now I have more and I'm listening to them almost religiously, playing the same song over and over again.
I love this Blog. I can express how I truly feel, which I can't seem to do where people I know can read it. I have extreme problems with my image in BMB's eyes. I don't want to come off as obsessive, so I hide my feelings and end up seeming like I don't care (at least that's how it feels to me). It also doesn't help that I'm such an insecure person. I'm always afraid of doing something that will make her unhappy and then end up not doing anything at all. There are so many situations where it's apparent to me how little experience I have in relationships. I'm not used to trying to live up to someone's expectations and trying to make someone happy. I was always and isolationist before and never really cared about other people or what they thought of me. Even with Niho I didn't care this much about screwing up and never beat myself up this much when I did screw something up.
After writting all of that, I really wonder if this is love. Love isn't a feeling that I'm familiar with. I thought I was "in love" with Niho, but I didn't feel like this. This feels... I don't know how to describe it. I get butterflies in my stomach everytime that I go to see BMB. On the ride to school in the morning, before class ends...
R.O.T.C. had a pizza party today and I couldn't really eat all that much because of the butterflies in my stomach. Just thinking of her made me so nervous.
When I get nervous I start to crack my nuckles and, I swear, in the past week I've brought myself a few years closer to arthritis.
Uhm... I don't wanna write anymore... Just wanna sit here and think about BMB.
2MC_Boy