My Playground
After all the crap that's been happening, and all the things I've been hearing from people in person and on Xanga, I'm starting to wonder why people consider isolation so unhealthy. When you isolate yourself you don't have the stress of dealing with and figuring out people. However when you stay in society and make friends you also need to put up with their crap and learn to deal with criticism and the fact that everyone makes mistakes.
The reason for my initial isolation was the fact that my isolation was not complete. I still had friends, but I'd only talk to them occasionally. I'd go to different people all the time and not spend my time with the same people all the time, thus exposing myself to them for only short periods of time. The problem with coming out of that isolation now is that I now have a girlfriend whose opinions matter more to me that anything in the world. My moods copy hers and my thoughts follow along with her words long after our conversations are through. The problem in that is that she does at times say, or, in the case of Xanga, write things that prey on my insecurity without her knowledge.
One of those things that I read on her Xanga today was that the "Expertise" box in her profile says that she really likes sex. Now we have come to this subject many times and I've expressed extreme comfort with the subject, mostly in that I am usually the one to bring up the subject. When certain situations arise that are of a "sexual nature" (I'd rather not go into more detail), I always proceed without showing that I am uncomfortable, but inside my mind is racing and doubt invades my mind before I even start. "What am I supposed to be doing?" "Am I doing this right?" So many questions come to mind and won't leave until something interupts my actions.
During all of this I am also, above all, telling myself not to show my doubt and insecurity. I have never shown discomfort in the subject of sex in conversation and I am afraid to show it any other time, even if it's all I can think about. I often find myself losing the mood because of all of my self-doubt. One thing that doesn't help is the fact that I can't learn by being told something. I have to actually do it to learn and that makes my insecurity worse. I've always been a quick learner as long as I'm doing something hands-on, but when I don't trust my actions, I pay attention to the wrong things and so forget all the things I should be remembering.
There is another thing that's bugging me. Something she wrote on her entry for today, but I will not be going into that at the moment. Until another day.
2MC_Boy