My Playground
In response to the last post, the curiosity towards the contents of my girlfriend's Xanga site is driving me insane, but I have the eerie feeling that keep those contents a secret from myself is most likely the best idea. I keep going back to the Xanga homepage in a subconscious effort to learn her feelings without the courage to ask them personaly. I feel so alone right now. Again I return to the feeling that no one cares and that life is just a cruel joke being played on my mind.
I am planning on updating this site more in an effort to show you all what's going on in my life and to make this a more interesting blog to read. I may also change the layout of the site a bit, or just move on to a better blogging system somewhere else.
2MC_Boy
It seems that I am now getting more reason to continue to write in here. Yesterday morning, when I first talked to my girlfriend, she told me that this guy had kissed her and that she had not backed off, but when he tried again, she did back off. She says that I looked mad when she first told me. I guess it was just the initial shock of such news. She started to cry because she felt like she had cheated on me. I told her it was okay, and I still believe that it was not her intention to cheat on me. Now I'm wondering what to do though. The possibilty of her cheating on me is now more real to me. I still trust her completely and feel that she still loves me, but it's just the thought of it that makes me wanna kill myself.
I'm trying real hard right now to figure out whether I should just let it pass, or kick this guys ass. It is driving me insane. There's so many people that I wanna kill right now and I just don't feel it's right to even lift a finger to them. Also, I'm really trying to control my jealousy, but whenever I do that I end up feeling like I'm acting like an insensitive bastard.
My girlfriend has now started a new Xanga site and I know where it is, but I don't know whether she wants me to read it or not, so I'm not going to read. I read part of it earlier this morning, and from what I read, most of the things she's writting will probably just make me feel like crap again. It's not that she's writting stuff against me or anything, but the way she's talking makes me feel like I'm doing everything wrong again. I have been feeling like that for the past week, but those feelings just keep getting worse. I don't want anything to come in the middle of our relationship, but I don't know how this whole situation will affect the way I act around her. I just hope that Snowball (which is on Saturday) will help put my mind at ease.
2MC_Boy